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This photo was taken the night I was baptized, a few years after I angrily blamed God for taking our son and then making us spend the next few years having to deal with infertility. |
When I was in my 20s, long before I was even thinking of marriage or children, I had a laproscopic surgery. My gynecologist suspected I might have
endometriosis, which is a disorder of the female reproductive system in which endometrial tissue (the normal lining of the uterus) is found outside the uterine cavity. About 40 percent of women who suffer from this will experience some degree of infertility. I couldn't even imagine then what this alternate reality might be like if I had this disease.
My boyfriend at the time dropped me off at the hospital and said he'd pick me up after I'd come to. My parents were livid and drove from their home in Memphis to Knoxville where I went to college to sit with me during the surgery. I was terrified of both the procedure and the potential outcome. After the surgery, my doctor gave me a clean bill of health stating she found no evidence of it and said I should have no problems getting pregnant later in life. Little did anyone know I would eventually get endometriosis and have the
MTHFR gene mutation, collectively causing two ectopic pregnancies and one second-trimester miscarriage, subjecting me to two more surgeries, and leaving me with 11 rounds of drug-induced fertility treatments. But she wasn't entirely wrong.
A few years later, I married that man who dropped me off at the hospital and we decided to try for children right away. After two years of not getting pregnant, I suspected his chronic pot smoking had something to do with the problem since it's widely known that
marijuana can have devastating effects on sperm counts. I was sure I wasn't the problem. I urged him to see a doctor but he refused. He simply didn't want to know and preferred to leave it up to fate. I was only 28 then, and I suspect either my better judgment kicked in or my biological clock wasn't ticking nearly as loud, hard, or fast as it is now because I didn't press the issue. I suppose it was all for the best since we ended up divorcing anyway.
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Duane and I enjoying hurricanes on our first week living together after meeting in Iraq and being separated for more than two years. |
After we divorced, the thought of children didn't cross my mind again. Until I met Duane when I deployed to Iraq in 2006. I knew he was the one and the time was right. He had just left a wife who, sometime after marrying him, decided she no longer wanted children. From the beginning, we both knew having children would be our first priority. In fact, we began trying to get pregnant before we were even engaged. I had just turned 33 and had been on birth control for the better part of 20 years, so we thought it would be a good idea for me to just stop taking the pills. Four months later, and without any planning or thought given to it, I was pregnant. My college doctor was right. We were beside ourselves with joy. We realized then we had better get planning and off to the justice of the peace we went.
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Duane and I were happily married by a justice of the peace April 20, 2009. I was two months pregnant here. |
Anyone who has been following our story knows we lost that pregnancy at 17 weeks. I won't talk about how profoundly painful or life changing that was. The day his life ended was the day our new lives in this world began. It never occurred to us it was even possible to lose the pregnancy. It never occurred to us that we would then spend the next few years just trying to get pregnant and make it through all 40 weeks of pregnancy. It never occurred to us that creating and sustaining a life could be so painful and suck all the joy from us when it was supposed to be such a beautiful thing. It never occurred to us this alternate reality existed.
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Duane and I gave birth to Connor Seamus King after 17 weeks of pregnancy on June 6, 2009. Chaplain Thompson came to the hospital and blessed him before he was cremated and ultimately buried in Nantucket, Mass. This was the saddest day of our lives. Our nurse took these photos, despite my insisting she didn't. I'm grateful today she did. |
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The day August was born was the happiest day of our lives. |
Since we both left unfruitful relationships we assumed the blessings of a family were right around the corner and we began the anxious wait to hear the pitter patter of tiny little feet. From the time we stopped trying to prevent a pregnancy until the time we actually held our little August in our arms, it was almost three years. To get her, it took six rounds of the fertility drug Clomid, one second trimester pregnancy loss, an ectopic pregnancy, and one round of injectable medications coupled with an intrauterine insemination. Her birthday was the most glorious day in both of our lives.
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Connor's grave in Nantucket |
Six months after she was born, we began trying for a second child since we knew it might be a long road. Five rounds of injectable medications spanning eight months left us with only an excruciatingly painful ectopic pregnancy that ended in another loss, bringing our total to three pregnancy losses. But we weren't ready to give up yet. We picked ourselves up and began down the road of
IVF or In-Vitro Fertilization. No woman gets through this kind of grueling course of action with a partner who drops her off at the doctor and picks her up when it's over. Someone has to be there to hold the coats. And talk to the doctors. And wipe away her tears. And tell her everything is going to be OK. That someone has always been Duane.
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This is one month of fertility drugs for one of our six IUI cycles. Some days I endure three injections. |
Following the ectopic pregnancy, there were a lot of things we had to accomplish and lab work was one of them. Thrombosis, HIV, pregnancy, whatever. Take all the blood you need. I'll make more. The day before we visited the lab together as we began our IVF protocol, I cried as I told Duane I was so afraid I felt sick--I haven't been stuck since the ectopic pregnancy in October. It doesn't matter how many times we've been through this, I feel the same way every time. I know he feels the same way, but as a man watching his wife go through this pain, I imagine it's just different, but I don't think about him--I just have to focus on getting through whatever procedure is afoot.
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Duane, the mixmaster, mixing my nightly elixer of hormones. |
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Duane in Iraq |
We are both tired of taking numbers. Nevertheless I fish out my ID, hand Duane my coat, wallet and phone and whatever else is on my person that I don't want to be bothered with. I'm the guinea pig, their lab rat. It was four tubes that day and seven the day before. They will likely need more the following week. When my number is called, he gathers up our coats and things and walks with me to the blood draw booth and stands behind me as I tell the technician I need to lie in the reclining chair.
Duane takes over the conversation to distract them and keeps them from making me faint. He clues them in on my idiosyncrasies and protects me from the information until I can absorb it in my own time, in my own way. The doctors and nurses usually ask him what he is doing there since most people don't show up with a support team for a blood draw or an ultrasound. And honestly, most husbands just aren't that involved. Once he makes them laugh, they bend the rules and let him stay as he holds my hand, and the coats. The fact that this could be our reality never occurred to either one of us. Though I will never be grateful for having to take this path, I will always be grateful I am on this path with someone who not only didn't just drop me off at the beginning and expected to meet me at the end, but offered to carry my things when I couldn't.
Hey Tanya, I really feel your pain on all the medications. I have talked to so many women whose husbands are not as supportive during this time and I cannot imagion how that must be. My husband sounds just like yours. He has been by my side through every step of the process. It was even him who suggest embryo adoption. Are you going through IVF currently? If so I'll be saying many prayers for you both. It is not an easy road, but worth the journey in the end.
ReplyDeleteWe just started stimulation for IVF tonight. We will likely have the embryo transfer around Valentine's Day. This is our first round of IVF and we are praying it works. If it doesn't, we will get through it. We've made it this far.
DeleteFingers crossed for you both! Good luck with the stims too.
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