Friday, February 1, 2013

Often Overlooked, Always Present: Fertility Treatments From Husband's Perspective


I had a conversation last night with Tanya about possibly being a guest blogger or in some way, other than by just being her husband I could contribute to her blogging.  I promised her that I would not rant about politics, guns or anything that is overtly offensive (not that anyone has ever told me that I can abrasive or anything). Well, here goes nothing.

A friend suggested for my first posting that I share about infertility from the father/husband/male prospective as this is overlooked more often than not. My ex-wife and I divorced primarily because she changed her mind about having a family sometime after we got married. Tanya has poor egg quality and diminished ovarian reserves coupled with a host of other reproductive issues that we have tackled along the way. I say these things not to assign blame, or hurt anyone’s feelings, but rather to help you better understand much of my frustrations later in the post.

I was as naïve as most people are about infertility when we started this journey and would have preferred to stay that way. I can honestly say that I know more about the female reproductive system than many women, including Tanya. I am the one who doses and administers each injection, deals with her crazy when the hormones go completely nuts, accompanies her to nearly every appointment she has ever had, holds her hand in pre/post op and during many of her procedures, worries while she is in surgery, is briefed by the doctors on the successes and failures after surgeries, shoulders the household responsibilities while she recovers, supports her during the processes and consoles her when we are unsuccessful yet again. This is to say nothing of the financial burden this has put on our family and our relationship.

When I talk about fertility treatments, people usually assume that I am the one with the issues. They jokingly say extremely insensitive things like “you want me to come over and take care of your wife for you?” or “hey, my swimmers never miss.” This is like telling Tanya to “just relax and it will happen.” Most people, thankfully, have no idea how difficult it actually is to create and sustain a life. The best part is when the doctors tell you that even though you have paid all of this money, taken all of these drugs and spent all of this time, there are still no guarantees. Wait, what? We do all of this for a maybe? That is exactly correct, we do this for a maybe, because having a house full of children is that important to us. 

I, like most people, have periods of time that I feel sorry for myself. I sometimes think that this is such a cruel joke. I had one wife who didn’t want to have children and now I have one who can’t. What are the odds? Why do I always need to be the strong one? Why don’t people ask how I’m holding up? Do people think that Tanya is the only one that is devastated when each cycle fails? Then I pull my big boy pants up and start again.

As men we are programmed and conditioned to be the fixer, doer and the one who takes action. When that ability is taken away from us it is not only painful but demoralizing and emasculating as well. I have spent untold hours watching Tanya in pain and in some instances am the one directly responsible for inflicting it. I try to make jokes like, “this is the only time in my life that I can stab my wife and get away with it,” but the truth is that it hurts me deeply to have to give Tanya injections nightly, knowing that I am the one causing the pain. Although extremely adorable, it hurts my heart that when August sees me getting ready to give Tanya a shot she pulls up her shirt to expose her tummy too.

Now for the good stuff that everyone wants to know about. SEX! Imagine, if you will, spending three years of hot, steamy, intimate relations with your partner. Each one dictated, literally, by exact time and doctors prescription. No spontaneity, no fun, and certainly no “hey, lets get drunk and make a kid.” Or the “you need to abstain from any form of sexual contact for a minimum of 5 days” and then there’s the “here’s your cup.” Needless to say sex and intimacy have been extremely difficult to keep, well, passionate about.  

This process has been frustrating, crippling, heartbreaking, but also extremely rewarding. I am so grateful every time I hold, see, kiss and think about August. She has been what has kept me going through this. The knowledge of how awesome it is to be a father and look into the eyes that you helped to create. To watch this thing grow into a little person and be directly responsible for the outcome.



I can understand how dealing with infertility issues has caused lesser mortals to give up not only on the treatments but their marriages as well. This has been no easy road we have ventured down, but I think the voyage has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. How is that possible you may ask? I have no idea, maybe it's because we are thick headed and hate to admit defeat. Maybe it's because we have seen each other at our most vulnerable and rawest points. Whatever the reason is, I’m grateful to have my best friend be my wife and mother to our daughter.

10 comments:

  1. Well done, Duane. This is a well composed, informative and compelling piece. And you have provided some personal insights that are not easy to share. Mary and I wish you both well as you struggle to grow your family.

    Regards,

    Steve

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  2. Thank you Stephen for your kind words. Tanya and I struggle both personally and morally with our questions and actions as we continue to purse what we dream our family to be.

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  3. Wait a minute, Tanya said you weren't a writer, could have fooled me. I've never met you Duane, but you my friend, sound like an amazing husband and father. I've read many of Tanya's posts, comments, etc. about the struggles you both have faced and I've never commented on anything because honestly, I didn't know what to say that would help you guys feel any better. But I do wish the best for yall, yes I said yall, I'm from south GA and that's how we talk. :) Seriously though, thank you for putting yourself out there. It is nice to see things from your perspective. Best of luck.

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  4. Brandon, if there is one thing about me that anyone who knows me will tell you is that I don't pull punches or sugarcoat anything. I am a leader who does so by drawing from my past experiences and what I feel in my heart is the right path. I am not afraid to tell anyone the who, what, when, where or why on any issue and feel that is what is lacking in people today. In fact, that is a good topic for another guest post; Accountability as seen by a mid-level NCO. Who knows I may just piss someone off yet.

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  5. Hi Tanya! I am Teddi's friend and she gave me the link to your blog. Such a great post from your husband. I often forget sometimes that my husband is part of the journey as well. I was recently diagnosed with deminished ovarian reserve after our first failed IVF cycle. Hope you don't mind if I follow your story!

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  6. Kristen, please let your husband know that there are many men just like him out there. The difference between me and them is that I'm a straight shooter and sarcastic as Ship High In Transit (SHIT). Let him know that I am happy to lend an ear or garner any advice that I may have.

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  7. How lucky you both are to have each other, beautifully written, heartfelt, informative. You are a wonderful man Duane, and I wish you and Tanya continued love,happiness, and pray for you to continue to have the strength to endure your challenge.

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  8. Thanks everyone for weighing in! Duane and I have found a tremendous amount of strength where we first felt only weakness and pain. We try to work through the pain by helping others and by shedding some light on what we experience. We also appreciate your words of encouragement and support. Most people feel like they are helpless in supporting us on this journey, but actually, these kinds of sentiments and just being willing to listen when we need an ear is usually enough. So thanks. And welcome to those who have just begun following along. We are glad to have you! Kristin, I also began following your blog. Together we are strong.

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  9. I really can't say that I understand any of the pain you guys are going through. I can't even pretend to imagine how wonderful it was to have August and then to not be able to have another. We all have pains that other can never truly understand. I really do believe you guys are so strong to continue to try so hard for a baby and I think in the end you will get what you are working so hard for. I will really continue to listen and support you all in your journey to have a baby! I think finally hearing it from Duane's perspective is really interesting and let's me see how much pain you all are going through. I hope for the best for all of you!!

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  10. Duane this was so beautifully written. I have always known you to be sensitive and kind. I am so proud of you for not backing out when things got ruff. You are a wonderful husband & father. I know this has been a very difficult journey and hopefully will result in one more prize for the three of you at journey's end. May other men have more of an understanding about the difficulties of infertility after they have read this blog. Keep up the good work & writing.

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