Just another sorority girl

The Seattle Yacht Club

Last night was a pretty rare occasion for us.  We don’t usually go out, and we certainly never splurge.  Last night we did both.  It wasn’t a normal date night; it was the Puget Sound Association Phi Beta Kappa Chapter’s 60^th Anniversary dinner.  Dr. John Churchill, secretary of the national Phi Beta Kappa Society was the guest speaker and the event was at the Seattle Yacht Club.  This might not seem like a big deal, but it kind of was.

Dr. John Churchill inspired both Duane and me with his speech about higher education.

Most people when I tell them I am a Phi Bete, which I rarely do for this reason alone, think I am just another sorority girl.  Nothing against sororities, but Phi Beta Kappa isn’t one—it’s the nation’s oldest academic honor society.  It’s kind of a big deal.

Requirements for nomination are tough.  Less than 10 percent of the nation’s universities have a chapter and less than 10 percent of students at those universities are nominated for membership.  I was inducted in 2002, my senior year at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville.  I’m fairly certain if you knew anything about my past, you would know this was probably one of the proudest moments of my life.

Duane and I at an Airman Leadership School graduation

At any rate, when the opportunity to attend this dinner came up, I asked Duane if we could go.  I say “asked” because I know it isn’t in our budget, and I knew I’d have to buy a dress since we haven’t been to an event like this in ages.  Spend almost ten years in the military and see what happens to your wardrobe.  The nice thing about being in the military is any time there is a function, you can wear your service dress. 

I made a pretty good Flapper at a Decades party

We weren’t quite sure what to expect since Seattle is fairly laid back.  People wear leather and cargo pants to the opera.  No joke.  And no one stares.  It’s Seattle.  That said, I didn’t want anyone to stare at me for being over- or under-dressed.  Call me paranoid.  I wasn’t all that excited about shopping.  I hate shopping.  Last time I had to calculate on this level what I was going to wear was for a decades farewell party.  Everyone chose the 70s or 80s because it was easy; we chose the 20s.  It goes without saying if there was a costume contest, we would have won.  We looked awesome.  It isn’t that easy anymore to just slip into something comfortable.  Shoe shopping is a special kind of torture—not only are they extremely expensive, but I will only wear them once and I immediately regret my decision to be wearing any shoes about 14 steps into the evening.  In Mississippi, I just wore capri pants and flip-flops and looked fabulous.  Four pregnancies, 11 rounds of hormone-laden fertility treatments and two surgeries later, things don’t fit me like they did then.

Jessica Simpson can kiss my ass if she thinks I am going to wear these shoes for longer than five seconds.

Duane and I both managed to get through the formalities of trying very hard to look like we hadn’t tried hard at all to fit in at this event.  We had no idea what to expect or who would show up with their A-game for networking.  Turns out, we shared a table with the University of Washington’s provost, a World War II veteran, and a brand spanking new member of Phi Beta Kappa.  The best part about it all, is as I tried to practice my conversation skills, I played the “Who is the Phi Bete” game and learned every single man at the table was the spouse, not the Phi Bete.  Even the woman married to the WWII veteran—she was the scholar.  Girl power!

Our tablemates.  He is a WWII veteran, she is a Puget Sound Association Phi Beta Kappa Chapter past president.

At the end of the night, I felt like a piece of me had returned.  It was a piece that has been missing for a long time, and that piece is the fighter in me who worked full-time while going to college full-time.  It’s the woman who became a woman, not by wearing pretty clothes or learning how to do my own makeup, but by reading books, studying and learning how to argue and defend my beliefs.  Last night reminded me how I got here: by spending five years of my life working my ass off, nose in the books, learning, determined to make a better life for myself and my future family.  When we first moved to Seattle, people assumed we moved for Duane’s job.  I watched their faces turn to embarrassment when they would learn it was my job we moved for.  Last night I realized just how far I’ve come and how much farther I can go.  The American Dream is still alive and well and I am proof of that.

The D-Word

Debt is the only four-letter word no one talks about unless we are griping about the current state of political affairs.  But we all feel the sinking in our hearts, that punch in the gut, the hopelessness when we hear that word.  Debt.  The calculator starts running in my head subconsciously when I hear the word debt, when I swipe my ATM card at the gas station or the store.  I am human living in a consumerist society.  Everywhere I go, I am not encouraged to save and pay off debt but to spend and consume more.  I am enticed by sales, promotions, BOGOs, Groupons, and in some weird way, I feel like by spending more on these items, I am actually saving.

It all began when we moved to Seattle and Duane's only income for four months was unemployment.  I make a modest living, but my paycheck covers the bills and that is it: water, gas, rent, food, mortgage, electricity, student loans, retirement fund (I will address this in a separate blog and why it goes in this category, but think about it for now), and daycare.  It doesn't even begin to pay the health or car insurance, Pocky's annual vet visit, medical bills, haircuts, dog food and medicine, clothing and diapers for August, cell phone payments, and it certainly doesn't put a dent in the credit card bills or any kind of entertainment fees.  Duane and I were sitting in the apartment hot tub a few weeks ago adding up our bills.  We try to talk about our situation as much as we can; we talk about our struggles, successes, ideas, and we give each other positive and negative feedback about what worked and what didn't.  As I talked about in my blog last night, this was the first step for us, to remove the taboo and the nature of talking about debt as if it's a dirty word.  You aren't going to make it go away if you don't even acknowledge it.

I check the Craigslist "free" column regularly and saw a free photo shoot if only August would model very expensive christening dresses.  Not only did we not have to buy the dress, but we didn't pay for a professional photo shoot as well.

The first thing we had to do to start paying down debt, was identify our priorities as I mentioned in the "Are You Ready" blog.  Once we could identify what was a necessity--and this is an important distinction to make since we once thought TV was a necessity--we could begin removing payments from our monthly outflow.  TV used to be a big part of our life but when we moved here, if it didn't directly contribute to our ability to eat, sleep, or get to work, it wasn't a necessity.  The problem with moderation when you've been living in excess for so long is that if you don't scale back a lot, it will be easy to return to the previous spending volumes once you are debt free.  It doesn't work like that, just like a lot of people who lose a bunch of weight by dieting regain the weight because they don't make a lifestyle change.  That's what this is about.  This is your new reality.

What did this mean for us?  What did we cut out?

I began making baby food for August because the jars were expensive and they weren't organic.  It only took me a few hours and I made enough for all three months she was eating purees.

Are You Ready?

Duane gives me a $50 ring we got at a pawn shop hours earlier.  The only thing he promised me that day is he would never leave me.  I have no idea where that ring is, but I know where my husband is at any give moment!

Duane and I don't pretend to know everything about marriage.  In fact we have both been divorced, this alone tells you we have both failed once at the great institution.  And I am sure there are days we both would appreciate a divorce from the other, but it's temporary.  It doesn't feel like it in the moment; learning from my parents who will celebrate 40 years of marriage June 2 has taught me love conquers all, which is a pretty tough order to fill.  They have also taught us that if love conquers all, money is very helpful in paying for it, but it isn't necessary.  When you are young and in love, it seems like love conquers all--my parents were teenagers when they married.   The money thing came later for them.  In my world, the ring is a monetary symbol of the future, which is usually a much bigger promise they can live up to.  And so it begins.

Since we eloped and didn't have rings, I married him with his grandfather's ring.  The important thing about this is we didn't promise ourselves for money.  The rings were a symbol.  Sometimes in marriage we feel like we need to have things.  But those things can't replace what is in our hearts.  I was in my uniform this day.  Neither of us wears the ring we gave the other that day.  But one thing remains: the promise we made to each other when we vowed forever to each other.  No one in that moment we made our promise said it would be easy.

There are so many things a couple can argue about that relationship doom seems inevitable from the beginning.  No one tells you this at the place where you go to get your rings!  In our buy-now, pay-later society, how is anyone to survive at all?  Why don't they just tell you before you start out life on the wrong foot by financing your diamond and gold rings this is a bad idea?  And our litigious, fault-finding society doesn't help matters either.  The Number One Thing married couples fight about is....take a guess.  Not sex, though that is up there (I will address this in a future blog).  Not communication, though I'm pretty sure we all suck at it (and I'm a professional communicator).  Not children, though lord knows, it's a daily struggle.  It isn't in-laws, or vacations, or putting the toilet seat down.  I'm sure by now you've guessed, it's money.

I took a painting class because I recognize I have a need to do something fun.  My understanding husband doesn't request the same treatment; he always praises my amateur paintings and even though we might be broke, he never mentions it when he talks about how beautiful the painting is.

I won't lie.  When Duane and I talk about money, I feel physically ill.  I want to throw up.  I feel defensive and under attack.  This isn't because he makes me feel this way.  It's just my reaction.  Every time we count down the dollars and look at why we aren't where we need to be, I take on my shoulders what I've spent.  I don't try to defend every time I stopped at Starbucks or took a painting class.  I just feel guilty for not having done more.  And I suspect that's how a lot of us feel and so the conversation ends before it begins.

Duane and I taking our marriage oath April 20, 2009 in front of the Justice of the Peace in Biloxi, MS.  We weren't kidding.

Duane and I have had our share of money arguments and issues dealing with finances.  We are after all homeowners.  That in and of itself can make people want to lose their minds.  We aren't poor, but when we look at our finances at the end of the month we are amazed at how expensive everything is (diapers, food, rent, electricity, water, gas, cars, incidentals, insurance, medical bills, phones, internet, supplies, it goes on and on).  Our number one goal in doing what we are doing and living like we are is to move our financial situation from a reactive one where we are paying bills that come in because we owe money to a proactive one where we know there are things we have to pay and the rest is optional.  Once we made that paradigm shift in our minds, it made all the difference.

We had to decide, as painful as it was, that our expenses were red: we have zero choice in paying them; yellow, we have little choice in moving the date they are paid but they have to be paid; and green for those things we would only pay if we could such as TV, phone, internet, eating out, and impulse purchases or things we wanted but didn't need.  Color coding everything into green, yellow and red was easy; the hard part has been enforcing it.  That is to say, after we made the commitment to even talk about it.  We all have something to gain by leaving things the way they are and I will address this later.  Change is hard.