The D-Word

Debt is the only four-letter word no one talks about unless we are griping about the current state of political affairs.  But we all feel the sinking in our hearts, that punch in the gut, the hopelessness when we hear that word.  Debt.  The calculator starts running in my head subconsciously when I hear the word debt, when I swipe my ATM card at the gas station or the store.  I am human living in a consumerist society.  Everywhere I go, I am not encouraged to save and pay off debt but to spend and consume more.  I am enticed by sales, promotions, BOGOs, Groupons, and in some weird way, I feel like by spending more on these items, I am actually saving.

It all began when we moved to Seattle and Duane's only income for four months was unemployment.  I make a modest living, but my paycheck covers the bills and that is it: water, gas, rent, food, mortgage, electricity, student loans, retirement fund (I will address this in a separate blog and why it goes in this category, but think about it for now), and daycare.  It doesn't even begin to pay the health or car insurance, Pocky's annual vet visit, medical bills, haircuts, dog food and medicine, clothing and diapers for August, cell phone payments, and it certainly doesn't put a dent in the credit card bills or any kind of entertainment fees.  Duane and I were sitting in the apartment hot tub a few weeks ago adding up our bills.  We try to talk about our situation as much as we can; we talk about our struggles, successes, ideas, and we give each other positive and negative feedback about what worked and what didn't.  As I talked about in my blog last night, this was the first step for us, to remove the taboo and the nature of talking about debt as if it's a dirty word.  You aren't going to make it go away if you don't even acknowledge it.

I check the Craigslist "free" column regularly and saw a free photo shoot if only August would model very expensive christening dresses.  Not only did we not have to buy the dress, but we didn't pay for a professional photo shoot as well.

The first thing we had to do to start paying down debt, was identify our priorities as I mentioned in the "Are You Ready" blog.  Once we could identify what was a necessity--and this is an important distinction to make since we once thought TV was a necessity--we could begin removing payments from our monthly outflow.  TV used to be a big part of our life but when we moved here, if it didn't directly contribute to our ability to eat, sleep, or get to work, it wasn't a necessity.  The problem with moderation when you've been living in excess for so long is that if you don't scale back a lot, it will be easy to return to the previous spending volumes once you are debt free.  It doesn't work like that, just like a lot of people who lose a bunch of weight by dieting regain the weight because they don't make a lifestyle change.  That's what this is about.  This is your new reality.

What did this mean for us?  What did we cut out?

I began making baby food for August because the jars were expensive and they weren't organic.  It only took me a few hours and I made enough for all three months she was eating purees.

Thousand Mile Journey

I've been thinking about how to get started blogging again since my computer was the issue.  Duane got me a new computer for Christmas so I wouldn't have an excuse.  I guess I have to start somewhere.  So much time has passed; there's so much I want to tell you.  I can't cover it all in one blog and every time I get started, I stop because I think it's getting too long.  My solution is to just not worry about it.  I figure if I just start here and write, I will get better.  Eventually, I will be where I want to be with this blog.  I suppose life is like that.

Duane tilling the garden at the Pea Patch last spring on his only day off.  It took four hours and left blisters on his hands. 

I heard on the radio today a follow up on New Year's Resolutions.  I thought about my own--to plan out the garden, to get through next winter entirely on our own produce with things we've canned, frozen, and dried.  I plan to be more organized and not have piles of things with numbers that will eventually equal a stolen identity leaving me paranoid to just throw anything in the trash.  I'm also becoming a bit of a hoarder when it comes to bits of paper August has scribbled on.  I vowed also to come up with some sort of system to save money, pay bills systematically, and to bake bread daily.  We plan to be debt free so we can buy a house in the fall.  All of this goes without saying that I have also vowed to not eat too much, drink too much, exercise more, and call my family every Sunday.  Have I gotten to how bad I am at making sure Christmas cards and thank you notes are sent out on time?  What, am I crazy?  I thought so too.

This is one month's supply of drugs for an IUI cycle.  After five rounds of this, we are now on to IVF and our drugs are five times this.

 By the way, did I mention we have been trying to have another baby since August was six months old?  Most people just get drunk and squander away their savings on impulse purchases when they are trying to (not) have a baby and wind up pregnant.  Not us.

I'm not sure, but some nights it feels more like revenge and less like love and the beauty a couple shares when trying to have a baby.  Duane takes a little too much joy in the process.

It's almost February and I don't even think I stood a chance past the first week in January with goals like that.  Yet, when I look back on the past few weeks, I'm actually proud of what I have accomplished.  When I think about it in these terms, I realize it isn't even February and I've already experimented with a few different kinds of breads, frozen a bunch of sugar pie pumpkin puree from the farm for pies, breads and dishes later in the year.  I've taken inventory of the freezer and created a spreadsheet for the garden and begun to plan.  I've ordered seeds and enlisted help from nearby friends who are willing to help plant and weed in exchange for some produce.  I've started a calendar for meals and begun inputting recipes I've gathered from my favorite cookbooks I hope to make in the future.  I even attacked laundry mountain once this year, which is *almost* more than I can say for last year.  And our IVF cycle is scheduled for February!

In just a few days, with no air conditioning when it was 90 degrees outside, we canned 110 pounds of tomatoes in two days.  Four weeks later, we canned another 125 pounds.

When I look back at last year, I try not to be too hard on myself.  I try to look at what we've accomplished rather than get down on myself for what we didn't.  Of course Duane has his own set of things he wants to accomplish, but collectively, we've moved mountains even though some days it feels like the mountain is on top of us.  We paid off almost $10,000 in debt by cutting out things we thought we needed but don't, like cable and Starbucks.  We learned how to grow a garden and canned hundreds of pounds of vegetables.  We learned about organics and changed everything about the way we eat.  We learned sign language to be able to communicate with our daughter.  And oh yeah, there's that--we raised her into a toddler too, which is no small feat.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes when you just don't know where to start and everything feels overwhelming, start at the beginning .  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step (that's a Chinese proverb).  And if you just keep placing one foot in front of the other, you might not get to the end today or tomorrow, but you will be farther along on your journey than you were when you began.  Keep looking back and you will see how far you've come and one day, you just won't need to look back again.

August is signing "more, more" with Daddy.  At just 17 months, she has about 300 signs and understands concepts like seasons, colors, temperature, feelings, days of the week, foods and family relationships.  She also knows about 50-75 animals and can differentiate between a variety of categories such as different types of birds, monkeys, fish and other sea creatures, and mammals.  She isn't deaf, so we didn't need to teach her sing and at first, it felt overwhelming since she didn't sign back for a few months.  But now it's like we opened a portal to be able to communicate with a little girl who has so much to say, but didn't have the ability to communicate the words in her brain to do so.