Winter begets Spring

My dad and I at Mardi Gras in 2007 after my Iraq deployment

When I left the doctor yesterday, I was devastated.  As I drove home, I felt old and barren and I blamed myself for pissing away my youth on things I have nothing to show for except memories I can barely write about anymore.  I started to feel numb to protect myself from the pain I was feeling and the scenery began whizzing my car’s windshield.  The trees had no leaves; everything was grey and lifeless.  Everything was sleeping.   But the sun was shining and bright and I thought to myself, there are tiny little buds beneath those dormant branches that will sprout soon.

The Space Needle in Spring

Spring will be here before I know it and I will be sneezing from all the flowers—life will be abundant again.  I didn’t realize until today as I started thinking we need to plant seeds soon for our plot in the community pea patch if we want ripe, juicy tomatoes in August.  I’ve already ordered the seeds and put planting instructions into a spreadsheet.  I did this so I wouldn’t be surprised by the fact that it’s February 24^th in case I was planning on doing nothing this week, but apparently I have 14 varieties of tomatoes and peppers to plant and I haven’t even thought about which containers they will go in, let alone purchased the soil.  Yeah, about that. 

Last year, we flew by the seat of our pants and it worked.  We had a beautiful harvest and not much failed.  Apparently, according to the unwanted advice and comments from other gardeners in the pea patch, no one in the Pacific Northwest plants tomatoes from seed directly into the soil.  If you are going to have any success, you have to either start the seeds in January, or buy starts from a nursery.  Well, my tomatoes not only grew from seed after I planted them directly in the soil in May, but they made some pretty incredible salsa and were darn tasty on summer salads.  This year, I won’t take my chances though since last year was unseasonably dry and hot.  I’ll start those seeds indoors in two weeks.  Last year was the equivalent of two teenagers experimenting in the back of a car and getting pregnant when the planets aligned.  We know our luck won't let this happen again.  Seeds need conditions to be just right to grow.

Duane tilling our pea patch plot before we planted last year

I will blog later about other aspects of beginning, growing, and sustaining a garden.  I just wanted to point out today that it’s February.  This darkness and the cold, rainy days will be over soon.  Spring will be here soon and life will be bursting at the seams all around us.  For us, that may mean a pregnancy, but it may also mean the birth of a new direction for our family.  I don’t know, but right now I'm focused on creating the right conditions to make those seeds sprout and take hold. 

In this moment, not much is clear.  But it doesn't matter.  What does matter is that when I was noticing only the lifeless tree branches and yellow grass, suddenly I am planning for a new season and cultivating life.  Winter always begets spring.  It’s part of life.  Knowing this gives me hope when everything looked bleak and dormant not long ago.    

The Power of Might

"I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was going through fertility treatments that none of the pain is going to matter and those feelings I felt then were gone the moment I held my baby."  

This is what I thought when I was full of hope to have another baby when we first began fertility treatments again last February.  All the pain was gone when I held August for the first time, but I never knew if I would get to that moment until I held her.  We sailed through the first few months on the high of having a newborn, feeling like our bad luck was finally over.  Stupidly, we listened to everyone tell us my body might just know what to do after the first baby, that I might be super fertile after giving birth.

Well they were wrong and I'm mad at myself for believing them because here we are, all over again and I'm not quite sure if I'll ever get to the other side again.  I'm mad at everyone who told me to go to college, buy a house, wait until I was settled before having a baby because lots of women are having babies in their late thirties and early forties.  None of the women who told me that were ever women who had babies in their forties--they were all women who had children too young and now regretted they hadn't lived, that they hadn't gone to college.  Well how many of those women who go to college and have a career first get babies compared to how many wanted babies and have to be satisfied with just their career?  How many of them had to at some point, face the music and realize their bodies just weren't physically capable of creating life anymore?  I know we might be at that point.  But I keep fighting because I don't want to look back one day and regret I gave up what could have been for what might have been.  Those other women can always go to college.  This is my last chance to have another baby.

 Today at my doctor appointment, I didn't have the useless advice from well-meaning friends telling me to relax or take some ridiculous combination of Chinese herbs and I might get pregnant.  I didn't have the backing of a thousand facebook friends telling me they will pray for me and it might work.  I didn't have people telling me to just adopt or stop trying and it might happen on its own.  What I had was the undeniable blood test and an experienced doctor telling me my estrogen level should be around 100; it was 34.  I had the ultrasound results showing only five small follicles when I should have at least 10 to 20 given I'm on 450 IUs of Gonal-F and 150 IUs of Menopur, an extremely high dose.  I had the doctor telling me she has seen people get pregnant with these numbers, but she might have to cancel the cycle and try again.  I was left with a sinking feeling that perhaps it's time to think about moving on from the idea we might be able to give August a sibling.

August and her cousin

I don't know how I can feel anything but anger right now.  I'm trying not to though; I'm trying to focus on the positive and that all hope isn't lost and we do after all have this incredible little toddler.  But right now, in this moment, I just need to be angry.  It doesn't help that my nightly injections are like feeling chameleons--they can somehow figure out whatever I am feeling and intensify it by a thousand, so if I'm sad, it's Niagara Falls and Duane gets to help put the pieces of my world crumbling on the dirty floor below me that needs to be vacuumed but I don't have time and how am I supposed to get everything done with all this filth and then it all just crashes down as my feelings become a runaway train of darkness. 

The worst part about all of this isn't the side effects of the drugs or how it affects me emotionally, mentally and physically.  It's coming to the realization that we didn't have hindsight in the beginning--we had to go through all of this just to get here.  And now that we are here, we have all this pain, sadness, emptiness, guilt, anger, regret, rage, and the echoing hollow question every single day: why this is our path, why us?  And we still might not get to have another baby.

I realize we might still get pregnant this IVF cycle or during another if we have to cancel this month.  I know all hope isn't lost.  The biggest corner I turned today, though, is that it might be.  It might just be August is an only child.  It might just be my body can't get pregnant again.  It might just be that we are at the end of this part of our journey and what lies ahead for us is accepting it.  I hope it's not, but it might be.  Despite what might happen, I will continue to fight.

Chicken Pot Pie

This is a fairly simple homemade chicken pot pie that is very forgiving and the recipe isn't exact.  It makes six to eight servings, depending on how many ladles of filling you prefer.  I thaw just enough puff pastry for the evening's dinner and I freeze the rest of the filling in quart freezer bags in portions perfect for another meal.  For this particular recipe, it makes three meals--one that we will eat now and two quart-sized freezer bags that I can pull out, thaw, ladle into oven-safe crocks or bowls and top with puff pastry for a quick weeknight meal.  This is everything you want from a chicken pot pie.  You could certainly substitute turkey or even go meatless and pack in the veggies.

1lb boneless, skinless chicken (white, dark or a combination), cut into bite sized pieces
6-8 c diced vegetables (I use celery, onion, broccoli, peas, carrots and mushrooms but you could use beans, potatoes, spinach, parsnips, or any other favorite vegetable.)
1 to 2 tsp dried thyme (you can use fresh thyme, just use about 1 tbsp finely minced instead
3 dried bay leaves
1 tsp dried rosemary, or 2 tsp fresh rosemary finely minced
1 tsp garlic powder or a couple cloves of finely minced fresh garlic
1 tsp black or 1/2 tsp white pepper
1 to 2 quarts chicken stock
1 c dry white wine
1 to 2 c half and half (to taste)
1/2 c to 1 c cornstarch mixed into a slurry with cold water
1 pkg puff pastry (found in the freezer aisle near the desserts) OR 1 package refrigerated pie dough OR any recipe of biscuit or dumpling--we prefer the puff pastry and that's what is pictured here
1 egg, lightly beaten
1/2 to 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (depending on how many you are making)
1 to 2 tbsp sliced almonds

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees if you are using puff pastry.  If you are using biscuit dough, pie dough, or dumplings, preheat the oven to whatever temperature your recipe calls for to cook it.  If you would normally cook biscuits at 350 degrees, then preheat the oven to that.  Honestly though, this recipe is so forgiving that if you just put the oven at 375 degrees and cook the pot pie until whatever crust you put on it is brown, the filling will still be amazing.

In a 6 or 8 quart pot, add the wine, one quart of chicken stock, herbs and seasonings (don't add the salt yet) and the raw chicken.  Bring this to a boil and let it simmer uncovered.  And since the bottle of chardonnay is open, pour yourself a glass and start chopping vegetables.  Make sure you've thoroughly sanitized the area where you cut up the chicken.  Cross contamination is a huge concern when working with raw meats, especially chicken.

Side Note: We only use organic chicken.  You will never eat factory-farmed chicken again if you knew what happens to it.  This is a rare meal for us and a special one because organic chicken isn't that cheap.  If you are really ambitious, you could buy a whole, organic fryer and cut the meat off the bone and use it for the pot pie.  Save the wings and the carcass and make chicken stock from it along with all the vegetable scraps you will get from this dish.  If you haven't got the time tonight, toss the raw carcass along with the scraps into a gallon freezer bag and just start adding vegetable scraps to it and make stock another day when you have a little more time.  I'll post a blog later about how to make stock, but for now, start saving the vegetable scraps and meat bones in a gallon freezer bag.  Even save those onion skins and carrot peels!

Next, start chopping.  Tonight I used a combination of what I had on hand and what I like.  Plus this meal is a great way to add extra vegetables August might not eat alone.  I added 3 celery ribs finely diced; 4 peeled, thinly sliced carrots; half a finely diced yellow onion; 4 broccoli heads, stalks removed, cut in to bite-sized pieces; one bag of organic peas; and about 10 sliced crimini mushrooms. Once everything is all chopped up, just add it to the pot.  Turn the heat up to bring it back to a rolling boil.  At this point, you will want to assess your broth.  If you need some more stock or wine, add it to just barely cover the vegetables.  Make sure the chicken is fully cooked, however, before taste testing the broth.  You will also want to add salt and adjust seasonings at this point.

Once you are happy with the flavors, you can thicken the sauce.  I prefer cornstarch, but use whatever you like to use as a thickener.  You are going to need a lot of cornstarch.  Start with a small mixing bowl and mix 1/2 cup cornstarch with just enough water to cover it and stir.  This is how you make a slurry.  Make sure you've scraped the corners well and there are no lumps.  Slowly add the slurry to the simmering pot pie mixture and watch it thicken.  Keep in mind you are going to also be adding cream, so you want it about as thick as a pudding, maybe slightly thinner.  You can always add stock to thin it out too.  Tonight I had to use about a cup of cornstarch and it was perfect.

Cut the pastry into four squares.  I cut one of the squares to fit August's baby pot pie.

Add the cream slowly and stir.  I say add about a cup and taste the sauce.  Add more if you want a creamier flavor.  You actually don't even need cream, but we like it.  Of course the more cream you add, the richer it becomes and the more calories it has.  We add about a cup, which is just enough to give it some richness, but not enough to make it too heavy.  Taste the sauce again and adjust the seasonings, especially the salt.  This is what your filling will taste like, so it needs to be perfect--you don't want the filling to be bland since it will have a pastry covering it and will be difficult to season.        

Can you guess which one is for the baby?

At this point, your puff pastry should be pliable and thawed.  I only thaw one sheet for our family and even then I have some left to refreeze.  Each box comes with two sheets.  Don't try to unfold them until they are thawed since they are folded in thirds and you will be cutting this into four squares.  Set the thawed pastry aside and don't handle it until you absolutely need to.

You will need some oven-safe crocks or bowls for this.  Most cereal or soup bowls will work, but just make sure before you make this recipe you have something that you can put in the oven.  Place the bowls on a cookie sheet and fill each one with a few ladles of the hot filling.  Gently take a square of the pastry and stretch it slightly so it will cover the bowl in one pass.  Try not to stretch any holes in it because once there is a hole, it's difficult to patch and the pot pie needs a tight seal to get the big beautiful dome for a remarkable presentation. If you are using pie dough, biscuits, or dumplings, cover the pot pies similarly.  For the pie dough, roll out enough to cover and then reroll the dough for each one.  For the biscuits, drop a rounded heap on top of the pot pie.  For the dumplings, drop a few dumplings on top of the bowl.

Once the bowls have been covered, brush the pastry with the lightly beaten egg.  This step isn't necessary, but it will give the pot pie a nice shine and help the cheese stick to it.  Top each pie with a few tablespoons of shredded cheddar cheese and a teaspoon or so of sliced almonds.  Now you are ready to bake.  Pop them in the oven for about 15-20 minutes, depending on your oven.  Check them at about 12-13 minutes.  What you are looking for is a raised, golden brown crust.  The cheese should be melted and the almonds should be toasted.  I like to serve them on a side plate with a folded napking underneath to keep the bowl from sliding on the plate.

To freeze, ladle the number of ladles you needed for one dinner--for my family, we used ten ladles to fill all the bowls.  This amount fit well into a quart-sized freezer bag.  I cleaned it off, marked it with a sharpie including the date and what it was and froze it flat so I can stack it in the freezer with things like marinara sauce and beef stew.  When you want it for dinner, thaw it in the fridge a day or two before, heat it in a saucepan or microwave and ladle it in to bowls.  Add your topping and bake.  Dinner couldn't be easier or more of a treat.  

The man who carries the coats

This photo was taken the night I was baptized, a few years after I angrily blamed God for taking our son and then making us spend the next few years having to deal with infertility.

When I was in my 20s, long before I was even thinking of marriage or children, I had a laproscopic surgery.  My gynecologist suspected I might have endometriosis, which is a disorder of the female reproductive system in which endometrial tissue (the normal lining of the uterus) is found outside the uterine cavity. About 40 percent of women who suffer from this will experience some degree of infertility.  I couldn't even imagine then what this alternate reality might be like if I had this disease.

My boyfriend at the time dropped me off at the hospital and said he'd pick me up after I'd come to.  My parents were livid and drove from their home in Memphis to Knoxville where I went to college to sit with me during the surgery.  I was terrified of both the procedure and the potential outcome.  After the surgery, my doctor gave me a clean bill of health stating she found no evidence of it and said I should have no problems getting pregnant later in life. Little did anyone know I would eventually get endometriosis and have the MTHFR gene mutation, collectively causing two ectopic pregnancies and one second-trimester miscarriage, subjecting me to two more surgeries, and leaving me with 11 rounds of drug-induced fertility treatments.  But she wasn't entirely wrong.

A few years later, I married that man who dropped me off at the hospital and we decided to try for children right away.  After two years of not getting pregnant, I suspected his chronic pot smoking had something to do with the problem since it's widely known that marijuana can have devastating effects on sperm counts.  I was sure I wasn't the problem.  I urged him to see a doctor but he refused.  He simply didn't want to know and preferred to leave it up to fate.  I was only 28 then, and I suspect either my better judgment kicked in or my biological clock wasn't ticking nearly as loud, hard, or fast as it is now because I didn't press the issue.  I suppose it was all for the best since we ended up divorcing anyway. 

Duane and I enjoying hurricanes on our first week living together after meeting in Iraq and being separated for more than two years.

After we divorced, the thought of children didn't cross my mind again.  Until I met Duane when I deployed to Iraq in 2006.  I knew he was the one and the time was right.  He had just left a wife who, sometime after marrying him, decided she no longer wanted children.  From the beginning, we both knew having children would be our first priority.  In fact, we began trying to get pregnant before we were even engaged.  I had just turned 33 and had been on birth control for the better part of 20 years, so we thought it would be a good idea for me to just stop taking the pills.  Four months later, and without any planning or thought given to it, I was pregnant.  My college doctor was right.  We were beside ourselves with joy.  We realized then we had better get planning and off to the justice of the peace we went.

Duane and I were happily married by a justice of the peace April 20, 2009.  I was two months pregnant here.

Anyone who has been following our story knows we lost that pregnancy at 17 weeks.  I won't talk about how profoundly painful or life changing that was.  The day his life ended was the day our new lives in this world began.  It never occurred to us it was even possible to lose the pregnancy.  It never occurred to us that we would then spend the next few years just trying to get pregnant and make it through all 40 weeks of pregnancy.  It never occurred to us that creating and sustaining a life could be so painful and suck all the joy from us when it was supposed to be such a beautiful thing.  It never occurred to us this alternate reality existed.

Duane and I gave birth to Connor Seamus King after 17 weeks of pregnancy on June 6, 2009.  Chaplain Thompson came to the hospital and blessed him before he was cremated and ultimately buried in Nantucket, Mass.  This was the saddest day of our lives.  Our nurse took these photos, despite my insisting she didn't.  I'm grateful today she did.

The day August was born was the happiest day of our lives.

Since we both left unfruitful relationships we assumed the blessings of a family were right around the corner and we began the anxious wait to hear the pitter patter of tiny little feet.  From the time we stopped trying to prevent a pregnancy until the time we actually held our little August in our arms, it was almost three years.  To get her, it took six rounds of the fertility drug Clomid, one second trimester pregnancy loss, an ectopic pregnancy, and one round of injectable medications coupled with an intrauterine insemination.  Her birthday was the most glorious day in both of our lives.

Connor's grave in Nantucket

Six months after she was born, we began trying for a second child since we knew it might be a long road.  Five rounds of injectable medications spanning eight months left us with only an excruciatingly painful ectopic pregnancy that ended in another loss, bringing our total to three pregnancy losses.  But we weren't ready to give up yet.  We picked ourselves up and began down the road of IVF or In-Vitro Fertilization.  No woman gets through this kind of grueling course of action with a partner who drops her off at the doctor and picks her up when it's over.  Someone has to be there to hold the coats.  And talk to the doctors.  And wipe away her tears.  And tell her everything is going to be OK.  That someone has always been Duane.

This is one month of fertility drugs for one of our six IUI cycles. Some days I endure three injections.

Following the ectopic pregnancy, there were a lot of things we had to accomplish and lab work was one of them.  Thrombosis, HIV, pregnancy, whatever.  Take all the blood you need.  I'll make more.  The day before we visited the lab together as we began our IVF protocol, I cried as I told Duane I was so afraid I felt sick--I haven't been stuck since the ectopic pregnancy in October.  It doesn't matter how many times we've been through this, I feel the same way every time.  I know he feels the same way, but as a man watching his wife go through this pain, I imagine it's just different, but I don't think about him--I just have to focus on getting through whatever procedure is afoot.

Often Overlooked, Always Present: Fertility Treatments From Husband's Perspective

I had a conversation last night with Tanya about possibly being a guest blogger or in some way, other than by just being her husband I could contribute to her blogging.  I promised her that I would not rant about politics, guns or anything that is overtly offensive (not that anyone has ever told me that I can abrasive or anything). Well, here goes nothing.

A friend suggested for my first posting that I share about infertility from the father/husband/male prospective as this is overlooked more often than not. My ex-wife and I divorced primarily because she changed her mind about having a family sometime after we got married. Tanya has poor egg quality and diminished ovarian reserves coupled with a host of other reproductive issues that we have tackled along the way. I say these things not to assign blame, or hurt anyone’s feelings, but rather to help you better understand much of my frustrations later in the post.

I was as naïve as most people are about infertility when we started this journey and would have preferred to stay that way. I can honestly say that I know more about the female reproductive system than many women, including Tanya. I am the one who doses and administers each injection, deals with her crazy when the hormones go completely nuts, accompanies her to nearly every appointment she has ever had, holds her hand in pre/post op and during many of her procedures, worries while she is in surgery, is briefed by the doctors on the successes and failures after surgeries, shoulders the household responsibilities while she recovers, supports her during the processes and consoles her when we are unsuccessful yet again. This is to say nothing of the financial burden this has put on our family and our relationship.

When I talk about fertility treatments, people usually assume that I am the one with the issues. They jokingly say extremely insensitive things like “you want me to come over and take care of your wife for you?” or “hey, my swimmers never miss.” This is like telling Tanya to “just relax and it will happen.” Most people, thankfully, have no idea how difficult it actually is to create and sustain a life. The best part is when the doctors tell you that even though you have paid all of this money, taken all of these drugs and spent all of this time, there are still no guarantees. Wait, what? We do all of this for a maybe? That is exactly correct, we do this for a maybe, because having a house full of children is that important to us. 

I, like most people, have periods of time that I feel sorry for myself. I sometimes think that this is such a cruel joke. I had one wife who didn’t want to have children and now I have one who can’t. What are the odds? Why do I always need to be the strong one? Why don’t people ask how I’m holding up? Do people think that Tanya is the only one that is devastated when each cycle fails? Then I pull my big boy pants up and start again.

As men we are programmed and conditioned to be the fixer, doer and the one who takes action. When that ability is taken away from us it is not only painful but demoralizing and emasculating as well. I have spent untold hours watching Tanya in pain and in some instances am the one directly responsible for inflicting it. I try to make jokes like, “this is the only time in my life that I can stab my wife and get away with it,” but the truth is that it hurts me deeply to have to give Tanya injections nightly, knowing that I am the one causing the pain. Although extremely adorable, it hurts my heart that when August sees me getting ready to give Tanya a shot she pulls up her shirt to expose her tummy too.

Now for the good stuff that everyone wants to know about. SEX! Imagine, if you will, spending three years of hot, steamy, intimate relations with your partner. Each one dictated, literally, by exact time and doctors prescription. No spontaneity, no fun, and certainly no “hey, lets get drunk and make a kid.” Or the “you need to abstain from any form of sexual contact for a minimum of 5 days” and then there’s the “here’s your cup.” Needless to say sex and intimacy have been extremely difficult to keep, well, passionate about.  

This process has been frustrating, crippling, heartbreaking, but also extremely rewarding. I am so grateful every time I hold, see, kiss and think about August. She has been what has kept me going through this. The knowledge of how awesome it is to be a father and look into the eyes that you helped to create. To watch this thing grow into a little person and be directly responsible for the outcome.

I can understand how dealing with infertility issues has caused lesser mortals to give up not only on the treatments but their marriages as well. This has been no easy road we have ventured down, but I think the voyage has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. How is that possible you may ask? I have no idea, maybe it's because we are thick headed and hate to admit defeat. Maybe it's because we have seen each other at our most vulnerable and rawest points. Whatever the reason is, I’m grateful to have my best friend be my wife and mother to our daughter.

The D-Word

Debt is the only four-letter word no one talks about unless we are griping about the current state of political affairs.  But we all feel the sinking in our hearts, that punch in the gut, the hopelessness when we hear that word.  Debt.  The calculator starts running in my head subconsciously when I hear the word debt, when I swipe my ATM card at the gas station or the store.  I am human living in a consumerist society.  Everywhere I go, I am not encouraged to save and pay off debt but to spend and consume more.  I am enticed by sales, promotions, BOGOs, Groupons, and in some weird way, I feel like by spending more on these items, I am actually saving.

It all began when we moved to Seattle and Duane's only income for four months was unemployment.  I make a modest living, but my paycheck covers the bills and that is it: water, gas, rent, food, mortgage, electricity, student loans, retirement fund (I will address this in a separate blog and why it goes in this category, but think about it for now), and daycare.  It doesn't even begin to pay the health or car insurance, Pocky's annual vet visit, medical bills, haircuts, dog food and medicine, clothing and diapers for August, cell phone payments, and it certainly doesn't put a dent in the credit card bills or any kind of entertainment fees.  Duane and I were sitting in the apartment hot tub a few weeks ago adding up our bills.  We try to talk about our situation as much as we can; we talk about our struggles, successes, ideas, and we give each other positive and negative feedback about what worked and what didn't.  As I talked about in my blog last night, this was the first step for us, to remove the taboo and the nature of talking about debt as if it's a dirty word.  You aren't going to make it go away if you don't even acknowledge it.

I check the Craigslist "free" column regularly and saw a free photo shoot if only August would model very expensive christening dresses.  Not only did we not have to buy the dress, but we didn't pay for a professional photo shoot as well.

The first thing we had to do to start paying down debt, was identify our priorities as I mentioned in the "Are You Ready" blog.  Once we could identify what was a necessity--and this is an important distinction to make since we once thought TV was a necessity--we could begin removing payments from our monthly outflow.  TV used to be a big part of our life but when we moved here, if it didn't directly contribute to our ability to eat, sleep, or get to work, it wasn't a necessity.  The problem with moderation when you've been living in excess for so long is that if you don't scale back a lot, it will be easy to return to the previous spending volumes once you are debt free.  It doesn't work like that, just like a lot of people who lose a bunch of weight by dieting regain the weight because they don't make a lifestyle change.  That's what this is about.  This is your new reality.

What did this mean for us?  What did we cut out?

I began making baby food for August because the jars were expensive and they weren't organic.  It only took me a few hours and I made enough for all three months she was eating purees.

Are You Ready?

Duane gives me a $50 ring we got at a pawn shop hours earlier.  The only thing he promised me that day is he would never leave me.  I have no idea where that ring is, but I know where my husband is at any give moment!

Duane and I don't pretend to know everything about marriage.  In fact we have both been divorced, this alone tells you we have both failed once at the great institution.  And I am sure there are days we both would appreciate a divorce from the other, but it's temporary.  It doesn't feel like it in the moment; learning from my parents who will celebrate 40 years of marriage June 2 has taught me love conquers all, which is a pretty tough order to fill.  They have also taught us that if love conquers all, money is very helpful in paying for it, but it isn't necessary.  When you are young and in love, it seems like love conquers all--my parents were teenagers when they married.   The money thing came later for them.  In my world, the ring is a monetary symbol of the future, which is usually a much bigger promise they can live up to.  And so it begins.

Since we eloped and didn't have rings, I married him with his grandfather's ring.  The important thing about this is we didn't promise ourselves for money.  The rings were a symbol.  Sometimes in marriage we feel like we need to have things.  But those things can't replace what is in our hearts.  I was in my uniform this day.  Neither of us wears the ring we gave the other that day.  But one thing remains: the promise we made to each other when we vowed forever to each other.  No one in that moment we made our promise said it would be easy.

There are so many things a couple can argue about that relationship doom seems inevitable from the beginning.  No one tells you this at the place where you go to get your rings!  In our buy-now, pay-later society, how is anyone to survive at all?  Why don't they just tell you before you start out life on the wrong foot by financing your diamond and gold rings this is a bad idea?  And our litigious, fault-finding society doesn't help matters either.  The Number One Thing married couples fight about is....take a guess.  Not sex, though that is up there (I will address this in a future blog).  Not communication, though I'm pretty sure we all suck at it (and I'm a professional communicator).  Not children, though lord knows, it's a daily struggle.  It isn't in-laws, or vacations, or putting the toilet seat down.  I'm sure by now you've guessed, it's money.

I took a painting class because I recognize I have a need to do something fun.  My understanding husband doesn't request the same treatment; he always praises my amateur paintings and even though we might be broke, he never mentions it when he talks about how beautiful the painting is.

I won't lie.  When Duane and I talk about money, I feel physically ill.  I want to throw up.  I feel defensive and under attack.  This isn't because he makes me feel this way.  It's just my reaction.  Every time we count down the dollars and look at why we aren't where we need to be, I take on my shoulders what I've spent.  I don't try to defend every time I stopped at Starbucks or took a painting class.  I just feel guilty for not having done more.  And I suspect that's how a lot of us feel and so the conversation ends before it begins.

Duane and I taking our marriage oath April 20, 2009 in front of the Justice of the Peace in Biloxi, MS.  We weren't kidding.

Duane and I have had our share of money arguments and issues dealing with finances.  We are after all homeowners.  That in and of itself can make people want to lose their minds.  We aren't poor, but when we look at our finances at the end of the month we are amazed at how expensive everything is (diapers, food, rent, electricity, water, gas, cars, incidentals, insurance, medical bills, phones, internet, supplies, it goes on and on).  Our number one goal in doing what we are doing and living like we are is to move our financial situation from a reactive one where we are paying bills that come in because we owe money to a proactive one where we know there are things we have to pay and the rest is optional.  Once we made that paradigm shift in our minds, it made all the difference.

We had to decide, as painful as it was, that our expenses were red: we have zero choice in paying them; yellow, we have little choice in moving the date they are paid but they have to be paid; and green for those things we would only pay if we could such as TV, phone, internet, eating out, and impulse purchases or things we wanted but didn't need.  Color coding everything into green, yellow and red was easy; the hard part has been enforcing it.  That is to say, after we made the commitment to even talk about it.  We all have something to gain by leaving things the way they are and I will address this later.  Change is hard.